A Year in the Making

I can't remember what it was, but something happened a couple of days ago that caused me to stop & think about what was going on in my life last year at this time. I am normally a person who loves to reflect on the past, what God has done, and how He has brought me to where I'm at today, but when reflecting over this past year (I know you're thinking, Is it new year's or something?) it is extremely bittersweet. I digress...

Let's start with bitter, because I would rather end on a positive note of saweetness! Day's after finding out Bo & I were pregnant (after over a year of trying) we were told that Bo had a rare, most likely malignant, type of cancer. So what was I doing last year at this time? Making trips up to the University of Michigan's cancer unit for Bo's tests and surgery. I should go ahead an mention now, instead of making you wait till the 'Sweet' section that the specialists said Bo did NOT have cancer! I will never forget a couple of conversations that I had with God during that time. I will never forget the peace that I received from God at that time. And I will never ever forget how I almost vomited as I was thinking how wrong it was that I we were driving through the hospital/airport like roads following the signs to the cancer wing. I'm not gonna lie, I was mad at God at times. I didn't understand. However, I always claimed God's sovereignty and goodness. I remembered his faithfulness.

Second bitter/hard thing from this past year... my walk with God has reached all new levels this year! Unfortunately, not a good way, or at least it doesn't feel like it's a good thing. Prefacing this with, I was pregnant for the majority of the year, and unsure of the role my hormones played in the whole scenario (but I believe God is in control of all things, including my hormones) - I have never "felt" God's presence less in my life than this past year. Which really bums me out. One because I still feel that way; and two, because I was experiencing pregnancy for the first time. I had always imagined/dreamed of being pregnant, and had this vision of sweet hours (literally) of prayer for my unborn babe. I thought I would experience a closeness to God more than I ever had before - I mean it truly is a miraculous event of one's body & soul being knit together inside of you. But no, didn't "feel" it. Can you tell I'm very consumed by my feelings??? :) I'm grateful to God for blessing me with a mother who lifted (and continues to) my sweet baby boy up in prayer!

Ok, onto the Sweetness!!! You know that precious baby I've mentioned above! He is my sweetness!!!! I have never experienced a miracle that has blown me away more than having a child. I know that God does supernatural bonding and unifying when you marry your spouse, but the experience of child birth, and becoming a mom has brought a whole new meaning to the word miracle! Bo & I love and adore Will, and love watching him grow and learn how to do more things. Becoming a mom has opened my eyes to God's tender, fierce, jealous love for His children!

I don't know what God is up to, but I know it's ultimately going to be for His glory. I believe that part of journeying with God is being refined - that whole "dying to self" concept the Bible talks about. Not always fun. Definitely not always easy. But in God's infinite, obnoxious grace, it brings great joy and satisfaction to the soul. As our pastor often says - may I become less, so that He may become more.

Jeremiah 29
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.